Deploymnet

A woman's heart should be so lost in G-d's that a man must seek God to find her.

I got off easy.
Mark told his family Christmas Day that he was being deployed to Iraq. I am so glad I wasn't there for that conversation.
Within days, he learned that he would indeed be deployed in Januray. So the last few weeks flew by. I don't think there was a day that passed we weren't together.
Mark was so much fun to be with. Easy to talk to about anything. But our growing feelings for each other.
The last night we were together we watched the first half of, of all things, the Ten Commandments. We had come to the scene where Moshe had left Eygpt and was living in the desert. He was now watching sheep and talking to the sheperd girl. While beautifu, she was not the Princess Moshe had loved and left behind. She was comparing herself to the beauitful woman, knowing she could never measure up. But this is the woman Moshe chose to love.
I knew how the sheperd girl felt. I wasn't what the world calls beautiful. And I knew that I could not never measure up to the beautiful women Mark knew. And the one who broke his heart. The sheperd girl's were my own: "love is not an art to me, but life to me."
It was at this part that Mark had to leave for home and finish packing for he would leave for Fort Bragg the next morning.
One of the things Mark had asked me to do was help clean and pack up his apartment. He had an old computer in his room. The one he used at West Point. He said it needed alittle work, but gave it to me. This way we could say in touch by e-mail.
My first computer.
I watched him walk away. He knew, turned around and waved goodbye again. We promised no tears. I waited until I went to bed.
I miss my bestfriend already. After a while, he will get to Iraq, get busy, maybe meet someone else and forget all about me.

People come into our lives for a reason, for a season....
A few days later, I reieved a call.
It was Mark. He still had his cell-phone. And he was calling his bestfriend.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vAopfbrEs1Y

The Best of Friends

The first year came and went. We saw each other lots in the hallway between services and after a year began to spend more and more time together.
Once Mark realize I wasn't married or seeing anyone, a beautiful friendship grew. We quickly became the best of friends.
We have the same love of music, reading, study, movies. Our personalities are so much alike we could have been siblings. But in those areas where we differ, we were the other's teacher. We truly had an interested in what the other was doing. I understood Mark was a student and working. It would be a while before he took a wife. A year maybe.
But I remember the day he asked if he could call me later. When he did, to the shock of both of us, I asked point blank:" why are you calling me? Do you wish a relationship with me or are you just looking for a hamburger buddy. I have lots of friends, I just like to know what the deal is between you and I. And why me?" Now, you have to understand; I have NEVER spoke to a man like that!
Mark later said I scared him to death! but his answer was; "Well, I do what to be friends and see where it goes from there. I like you. You are a delicious girl and you have a delicious sense of humor."
This is when I realize in many ways G-d w as leading and Mark didn't have idea one what he was doing. To call a girl delicious in Yiddish means 'a girl that is too good to be true. A girl who calls her grandmother once a week. A girl you take home to mama."
I started laughing and told him I was honoured by the comment.
Thanksgiving 2002.
I had spoken to my mum about Mark several times. And Mark wanted to meet her. So I brought Mark to where mummie was living at the time.
They fell in love. I could just leave the room and they would never miss me. From that day to this, Mark calls her mummie. For her part, mummie told me later, "he's the one."
"He's the one, what?"
"Mark loves you. He's just too scared to admit it."
Turns out: Mummie knows best.

Then came the moment of truth.
Age.
I knew I was a few years older.
But then came the night when I found out how much older than Mark I really was. More than a few years.
My mum reminded me that all of the women in our family married men who were at least ten years older than their husbands with the exception of one aunt who married an other man. That was true.
But I asked myself one question; would I truly throw away the best relationship, the most mature, g-dly, man I know just because I am several years older. It took all of twenty minutes to answer no.
Of course, Mark also wrestled with the same question, coming up with the same answer.
So, we were moving along. He even asked both our parnets how they would feel if we 'got together.' Everyone said, no problem. But then came the war....
I had just gotten word that my son was already overseas and with the rumors of war, his ship would be pulled into the battle.
One day Mark was helping me decorate my townhouse for Hanukkah when he said; "did I tell you I got my orders to Iraq?"
No, he hadn't told me he had gotten orders to Iraq.....
Because of his skills and rank, Mark was reactivated back into active duty.
Great. I had to fall in love with an army captain.
Later that night, all I could utter was, "L-rd, both of them????"

Laini

Laini
My given name is Elayne. Elaine. But at age 19, I saw the spelling of Elaine with an Y instead of the I, and liked it so much that I changed it. Of course my mum wasn't thrilled-at first. Now she loves it.
I am the eldest of two girls. My father, not thrilled with the idea of being a dad left and never looked back. I don't care what anyone says; little girls need their daddies. But G-d will deal with him.
My mum was and is amazing. She raised up as a single after she and our step-father ended their relationship. It wasn't a happy marriage and lots of pain. I caught alot of that.
But it was in many ways a good childhood. I was an A-B student, love art, reading and history. I was the quiet one, pretty much kept to myself. Like Mark.
Because of my own insecures, I did get involved in things and with people I should not have. Though I did become a believer in Messiah as a child, I really wasn't raise in the ways of Torah, though what I did know, I loved His Word. I had a beautiful son, a brief marriage at was abused. And once I got of it, it took years to rebuild our lives.
I always loved nursing, but because of my eyesight (very bad I wear coke bottle buttoms) I feared harming those I cared for. So I became an LPN.
I went into home health care and entered the field of hospices. Hospices Care is the wonderful art of giving nursing care to the dying. All of my patients had less than six months to live. A while a patient never died on my watch, each one of these dear souls taught me the wonderful lession of living life to the fulliness, that life is a gift from G-d and how you live your life is your gift back to Him. Not to take anyone and anything for granted. And, as an captain's wife, this lession has been reinforced. We with mates far away from our side learn to make every phone call, e-mail, letter, etc count.
In 1999, as I shared before, during the filming of a Play about the Lfe of Messiah I was in, someone dropped a grape onto the stage and I slipped, reaking my left ankle. This was a growing time for me, learning to depend on others. Then the autumn of that year, my mum had a major stroke. That weekend we were not sure if she would live or die, but G-d brought her through. I brought her home with me and we had an awesome time. I truly enjoyed using the skills I had horned for years in the caring of my mum.
Several months later, she proved the doctors wrong. She wanted me to find her an assistance care home, get rid of the wheelchair and wanted me to have my home and my life back. It was the only disagreement we had. My mother while she loved me and thankful for the loving care, she didn't wish me to give up my life for her.
So, with mummie flying away from home, I went back caring for children at a DayCare. The nursing agency I worked for wanted me to place my mum in a nursing home and would not work with me in rearranging my workload so that I could for my mum and still work. My choice; my mum or my job. There was no question; I told my boss she would recieve my letter stating I was resigning in a few days. She called after recieving the letter; she didn't think I would really chose my mum over my job.
G-d truly blessed me to be able to stay home and care for my mum during this time.
And then, came the time when the Daycare changed hands, and I was looking for another job when my achelle's tendon was at the point of snapping.

The Dream

In the Spring of 1999, during a filming of a Play I was in, I slipped and fell upon a grape someone dropped, breaking my right ankle and left foot. It is believed that this is what led to the weakling of my achille's tendon and finally being slowly cut away by huge heel spurs.
Praise G-d I did not need surgery. The doctor kept me in a cast for nine weeks; since it was a clean break, I didn't need surgery, just allow it to heal. Then six weeks of PT. During this time, two friends of my were getting married. Their story, much like Mark and my. This would be my first Messinaic Jewish wedding and I went to the needlepoint store to find just the right pattern. And I found one. It had been out of stock for many years, but there it was; a cross-stictch book with Jewish Holiday patterns. It included a pattern for a Ketubah. That is what I decided to give my friends. Their Ketubah.
I had no idea what I had gotten myself into. Having told the groom, Don what I was doing and asked if there was anything special he wanted me to say. No, he didn't, just do as I felt the Spirit would lead. Then I told Don that the cross-stitch was in hebrew...Don didn't know what it said, but gave me his rabbi's number. Rabbi David (may he rest in peace) told me it was a standard Ketubah. Fine. What does it say?
I called every rabbi in Tidewater and asked the same question and got the same answer. It is a standard ketubah. Fine, cool. What does it SAY? Even my now rabbi gave me the same answer. My problem? It was summer and all the rabbis were leaving for vacations and not taking appointments, so there was no one to show the pattern to. Finally, one rabbi did refer me to his cantor and the cantor looked at the pattern and explained what it said, showing me the places of names, dates, etc.
Well that helped. But I still wasn't getting my question answered; I needed to know what it said word for word. Finally, my crutches and I headed for Barnes and Noble. Iwas looking up hebrew books when I spotted The New Jewish WeddingThis wonderful book became one of my treasures. I leafed through the book and AHA! there it was, a Ketubah and in both Hebrew and Engish. Finally! the answer I had been searching for.
As I read this book of wonder, I became more and more comnvice that if I was so blessed to marry, I would indeed have a Jewish Wedding.
Don and Cathy's wedding was indeed beautiful. I had never seem the Godspel played out so beautifully in a wedding. I made mental notes. Later Don asked if I have gotten any ideas for my own wedding.
I did.
The funny thing was, since I was making the Ketubah, Don told Rabbi David I would bring it. The Ketubah is the marriage covnenat. It is the least romantic or spiritual part of the service. The Ketubah spells out the rights of the wife, the promises the husband makes; to love, support, care for you, provide a home clothing, work for you, etc. It protects the woman. Without the Ketubah, there is no wedding. However, my was a cross-stitch, a gift. I thought Don was going to get one be signed during the service. When I arrived, I showed him the Ketubah, took it to Rabbi David and during the service Don showed the very Ketubah I made for the couple and read the very words I wrote! I didn't expect that.
It was at this time that G-d began to speak to my heart about getting married. And this book was my blueprint.
Years later, Mark and I would compare notes on the Jewish wedding. He was storing away everything I was saying and later would work to make the wedding of my dreams come true.

I Wish I Had A Picture

I can't sleep, so I decided to write.
There are some things that I truly wish I had pictures of. Example, how every outfit I wore matched my cast. How I made a white sock with Victorian buttoms and silk rosebuds to protect the cast and later my foot as it healed. The purple nail polish I had painted on my toes or my collection of white and ivory dresses (most of them I still have)
Before the surgery, I was part of a Swordmen group. Yes, real swords. We had a true swordman training us how to use them. It was part of our Banner Team. I learned much during my time with the Swords men. Jerry, the leader in the group was the one who pull a training pipe in my hand. He was the one to invivte me, the lone woman in the group. This was a problem for the Banner troupe leader, a woman. Jerry felt that I was a "Deborah" and that I did belong with the swordmen. The leader had other ideas. There was one dance that did involve swords and while the guys fought for me to dance with them (there were other women dancing, but not holding swords) the leader stood firm and said no. Jerry trully felt badly, but it wasn't his fault. I remember one day jokely saying: "I wonder if Xena started out like this?" Jerry answered, he didn't know, but the Bibical judge Debovah would have trained with the men. With both sword and Torah. For to be a judge in Israel, you had to know how to handle both.
I never forgot that.
We went from drilling with pipes to wooden sticks to actual swords. One indeed must take great care. Like the Torah, one needs to handle her with care, skill and respect. Otherwise, can you harm others and/or yourself. When you pick up the sword to do battle it is indeed kill or be killed. Our serve was to out the spiritual warfare in our lives, we also pictured the warring angels who both did battle and yet worshipped the Almighty. But when I was ban from a dance, Jerry dissolved the group. It appears it was going in a direction the Banner leader wasn't ready for and Jerry wisely allowed it to die. But he encouraged me to make the sword part of my dance.
I have.
I need to get back to my sword work; would help relieve my tenison.
Jerry ordered special wooden swords for the group and soon after my return to church, and by this time I was off the crutches, our swords came it.
Picture it. It is almost the end of the second service. I have been given my two oak pratice swords and I am dressed in a long white dress, a prayer shawel draped over my shoulders. I walk into the service that is about to end. I take my place on the pew and I notice the expressionon Mark's face as he sees me standing; white dress, prayer shawel, and two swords. He could barely wait for the service to end when he came over, laughing, motioning his hands over this lady holding a sword...
"What is this!" He asked, taking one. Of course being military, the sword would catch his eyes. I just smiled and said my swords arrived. I also drew the attention of every little boy in the church, each wanting a turn with my sword.
I remember still doing Show and Tell as Mark and I left the building for 7-11 for coffee.
We did a lot of coffee during this time. I remember one Sunday, I slipped out the service for a cup of coffee. By now, I realize, Mark had a pretty good idea my movements. Soon, he was in the Fellowship Hall with me getting coffee. We were spending more tme together. But often, he still had to work in the afternoon.
One morning, the coffee was truly awful. We dumped and like two teens, we sneaked out of church and crossing the field, we went to 7-11 for coffee. So our relationship slowly began over coffee.
I knew he was serious when he took me to Starbucks.
I didn't push, but I did wonder. Cleanly he liked me. Of course he was both working and going to school so right now all he could afford was coffee. My busniess was beginning to take off, so he would allow me once in a while to treat. Whywas he dragging his feet?
I would learn later that because of Mark's upbringing, he wasn't going to court me or anyother woman until he was in a posistion to truly court her in style.
He was and is indeed an officer and an gentleman.

A Needle Woman

So! what was the busniess I went into? Well the business class I took said you should do something
1. you enjoy.
2.your good.
3 others want.
So, I decided to make my hobby, cross-stitching, a busniess. Simply, people already loved my needlework and would ask if I could make a sample, pillow, picture, baby blanket, etc for showers, wedding and birthday gifts, etc. So since I was already getting paid for it, why not go full time?
So, that is my little busniess. The classes lasted about ten months, teaching from ground up, inluding how to write a busniess plan, etc. It was fun and lots of work.
During this time, Mark and I would only see each other between services. Mostly it was a quick few minutes in the hallway. Later I would learn he was waiting for me. By now it was clean he wasn't married, engaged or seeing anyone. But was he interested in me? And if he was; why? I mean this is one handsome dude, a guy you expect to see with a Swedish model on his arm. Why would he be nterested in me? If he is...
Time marches on. I would learn that he had gone into the Army Reserves. Many of his friends were called to New York after 0-11, but he wasn't. Ok, cool, it's not like he is going to get called up to go to war anytime soon. So, that's cool. I could live with that. And as I got to know Mark, I realize while he would make a fine doctor, I wasn't sure if that was the path he really wanted to take. Afterward, I could tell he loved being a soldier and I also knew he loved sharing and teaching the Torah. To be honest, I thought Mark was a rabbi or a rabbical student when I met him. When he spoke of medical, I saw none of the passion or fire when he spoke of Torah or sharing his faith.
It was also becoming clean he really liked my company. We started hanging out in the Fellowship Hall, drinking lousy coffee. More and more we would hang out, the time becoming longer. Ok, he liked hanging out, but why didn't he say anyhting?
And then I found out why.
It was Agust of 2002. I had been praying with people and Mark had come up to say hi and we talked. Suddenely he asked me a question: "where's your husband?"
My husband? I laughed, "I'm not married."
"the guy wearing a prayer shawel; he's not your husband?"
"No, just my prayer parthner."
Mark thought I was married! No wonder he didn't ask me out!
"So your not married?"
"Nope.""Would you like to go out for a cup of coffee and I can call you later?"
"Sure."
It seem that the reason Mark backed off is he had seem me riding with another guy (who was taking me home from church). Then he realize we weren't dating and started to move again. But then he saw me prayng with someone else and thought we were married. Once he realized I wasn't, I could see the relief in his eyes.
But he was still moving slow.
It was easy to see looking in Mark's eyes that he was a lonely man, a man with a lot of deep hurts. And it would take time and patient to break through the ice that encased his broken heart.
Funny, but either one of us knew we were in love at the time....

9-11

9-11
I remember the day well.
Richard, my PT therapist and I had been sharing our memories of New York. We were both born in New York and while my family moved to Boston while I was still a child, Richard had lived there most of his life. And I still had fond memories.
I had just changed into my street clothes when a woman came running in and said; "ins't it aweful?" Realizing I didn't know what she was talking about, she imformed me that two planes had flown into the WTC and another hit the Pentagon. I went into shock. I couldn't believe my ears....it sounded as if we were...were...attacked...like someone declared war upon the Untied States.
I sudden could understand the shock and dismay of this nation when Pearl Harbor was attacked. I remember the woman saying: "I need to hug every American I see." And we did.
I needed it.
I walked into the pool area, looking for Richard. I couldn't help but think this was some sick joke.
But Richard had just heard the news as well and then the Life Guard turned up the sound. The Y I attend is in the busniess area of Norfolk and we were being told the building was being closed in light of the attack.
As I walked outside, the area that is so busy with people was like a ghost town. Most were leaving the area. I arrived home and turned on the TV. For a few moments I thought I ahd left the movie Independance Day in the VCR from the night before.
I didn't. It was true. We had been attacked; we were at war.
Suddenly, my thoughts went to Mark, a man I hadn't seen in weeks. I didn't know then why he came heavy upon my heart, but a few weeks later, I would.