Miracles

If we were to walk in the woods and a spring appeared just when we became thirsty, we would call it a miracle. And if on a second walk, if we became thirsty at just that point again, and again the spring appeared, we would remark on the coincidence. But if that spring were there always, we would take it for granted and cease to notice it. Yet is that not more miraculous still?-

Baal Shem Tov

How often we go about looking for miracles, when they are right in front of us.

It was one of the lessions both Mark and I had to learn during this growing time.

I often spoke of this being a dark time in our lives.

But that is when growth takes place. Babies grow in the darkness of the womb. Fruit trees grow during the winter, the winds banging againt the trees cause the sap to thicken and the fruit is larger and sweeter.

And that is what happen began to happen in our beings, our lives and in our relationship.

The Fear of My Heart

The Fear in My Heart
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PDZcqBgCS74&feature=related
People tell me all the time that I am a strong woman. But the fear of rejection ran deep. I loved Mark and knew he loved me, but fear ruled my heart. I would however, learn one December evening, just before our families met that Mark too had that same fear.
It seem that there was another woman, one he loved. In 1998, Mark had a car accident that not only almost took his left leg, but his life. It was while h was in hosptial, that he learned why she hadn't come to see him or atleast call. She was seeing someone else. And when he needed her most, she wasn't there. And Mark had guraded his heart ever since.
I told him I was paying for someone else's sins. I wasn't the one who left. I have been here all of the time. I have been here during his deployment to Iraq and now as he battles Cancer. My name isn't....
I remember one evening we had a fight and I was about to leave when he said: "what makes you think I would let you just walk out that door."
"Then give me a reason to stay!"
I added the video above because that is how I felt the whole time. How I long to say I Love You. But the fear of rejection was just too strong.
So I had to let my actions speak for me.

Purity Ring and Remaining Tidy

Purity Ring and Remaining Tidy
purity ring
Purity Rings. Given to teen girls around their 14-to 16 birthdays. A reminder that their bodies are precious and holy, not to be given away lightly and just to anyone for the asking.
A Pastor I know gave plain gold bands to his sons as well. This summer, his eldest daughter and son were married, each having waited until they were wed.
There are even Purity Balls. Where parnets give their daughters (and some cases, sons) rings to remind them of the fact their body is precious and not to be treated like a plaything.
Yes, the media tends to tell us the stories of those who did not keep the vow.
But you don't hear the stories of those who do wait for the One G-d has for them.
I am a firm believer in the Torah; sex is for the man and woman who has stood before G-d and Man, entering into the Holy Covnenat of marriage. Yes, I am aware that this is an old fashion notion, but the 'new morality' is still the 'old immorality' that G-d condenms.
After my divorce and I had returned to G-d, I vowed to remain pure until G-d send me the husband of His choicing. I also had a son who watching me closely. And I was mindful that this little person was what I both say and do. My son didn't see me with "boyfriends" men coming in and out of my bedroom. In order to show how holy the Marriage bed is, I had to treat sex and marriage as holy. We as parnets are our children's first teachers.
And that includes family issuses.
About this time I heard of the Purity Ring. I even knew many young women who's parnets gave them one on their 16th birthday. One of them was my Matron of Honour and her now husband.
The Purity Ring is the result of a vow one has made to remain a virgin until marriage.
In 1999, I dreamt of a beautiful, tall ice-blue poodle, being held on a lead by the L-rd Himself. The love that proved out of His eyes for this do. I awoke, realizing I was the poodle.
But Blue?
I told a friend about the dream and he laughed. He told that his mother owned a Standard size Ice Blue Poodle. Jerry said: "Do you know how rare those Poodles are? G-d is telling you how precious you are to Him."
A few days later, while at the mall, I passed by a Jewel Cart. And there it was! An ice-blue poodle ring!
The lady told me that this ring has sat on the tray for weeks. I was the only person who showed any interest in the ring, so she sold it to me for half price!
This became my Purity Ring. I would wear this ring as a reminder to remain tidy until if and when I married. Then and only then would I remove the Poodle Ring for an engagement ring.
To many this sounds strange, unrealistic. But when I chose to become a believer and follower of the Messiah, that meant obeying ALL of His Commandments. And sex outside the Convenat of marriage is a sin. Not my idea, G-d's.
And while I cannot speak for anyone else, this is the path I chose to walk.
Yes, it was hard; after all sex does feel good. But until G-d brought me my spouse, I forcus on my relationship to G-d, growing as a person and took a lot of showers.
But oh how wonderful G-d is! For during our courtship, I would learn Mark made the same vow, to wait for G-d's choice of a wife.
Ain't G-d good!
Sadly, I no longer have that ring. After Mark gave me my engagement ring, I lost it somewhere in my old townhouse and never found it.
Even after all these years, I still hope that Poodle ring will show up. I would love to give it to a daughter, if G-d blesses us with one.

Shavuot Celebrating the Marriage between God and the Jewish People,

From 7th, June 2008
G-d is a Romanctic. Love and Marriage is His idea.
Mark and I love this Holy Day. Part of the customs is the enjoying of dairy products.
Mark and I share a slice of New York Cheese Cake and a glass of wine. Our hope one day is when we have our own home, we shall raise our Huppah as part of our Shavuot celebration.
Shavuot is 9th June. I hope that in Iraq, there is some Cheese Cake for Mark to enjoy the day with. Me? I know Mark would wish me to have a slice of New York Cheese Cake and think of him.

The Hair Cutting Party

This was a hoot!
Several year ago our buddy, Sarah's mum had and survived breast cancer. Kathy and Chuck were one of the leaders of the single's group Mark and I had been part of (at different times) And on one New Year's Eve, the family made shaving Kathy's hair a party.
So, remembering that, I ran with it. We ordered Cokes and Pizza and invited several people over. Sadly Paul and Sarah were out of town, so they couldn't make it.
So it was Mark's parnets, his sister and her two girls.
And we had a blast.
Mark had come up with a bright I idea for pictures...
We got a rope and I ran about the kitchen, chasing Mark with the rope...I would lasso him....drag him to a waiting chair, tie him up and and then with a glee in my eyes go for the hair!
But we let Dad had the first shave. Mum next, I did and one of his nieces. His sister couldn't do it and we didn't push.
After it was over, and Mark went to see what he looked like with a clean head, I said to Dad; "Well, he took that well..." Right clue and there was no way he could have heard me, we heard "AHHH MY HAIR!!!!"
Before he said good night, Mark took me in his arms and kissed my forehead, thanking me once again how to laugh and not to take Cancer so seriously.
I reminded him, we always have fun together.
A New Year
One of the sad things that happen Christmas Day was that one of our niece's wanted a Bunny.
Sadly the Bunny died the night before and thankfully Mark and I weren't around for the scence that followed.
But because of my mum's alleries, (the Bunny fur) we had to find a drugstore that would be open and get medication for mummie.
New Year's End, Paul and Sarah invited us to come and pray the New Year in at their house with friends.
It was a wnderful time. Much of it was praying for Mark's healing. But my slience prayer; that our relationship would result in marriage. Or that G-d would just allow me to move on with my life. I loved Mark with all my heart and made a promise to take care of him during his cancer treatment. But when it is all over; what then? I needed to know where I stood.
A few days later, went to get a new Bunny for Isabel. The store glady replaced the dead Bunny. While there, Mark found this cute little white Polar Bear named Budhha. Press his tummy and he has this deep belly laugh This little guy gave me a giggle.
Now the story; part of the side affects to Chemo can be the removed of the wanting to eat. Or one comes down with a bad case of the munchies.
Mark had the munchie and deveopled alittle tummy. He was getting upset because of the weigh gain, but I reminded him that means his treatment is going well. I would rub his tummy and call it "Budhha!" So his tummy became little Budhha and it also helps the injection of his medication easier.
So, that is why the Polar Bear has so much meaning and a special gift from Mark.
There was also a showdown with Mark's roommates. Since Mark and I were not married and while they liked me alot, by Islamic law , I shouldn't be over so much, even though I am the one taking care of Mark.
That matter had to be worked out and in the end, because I was taking care of Mark kept visiting.
My care of Mark was a few nights of sleeping on the sofa when Mark was very sick and could not be alone. Teaching him how to eat better so to help his body heal and of course the injections. We had decided to keep the medication in my fridge.
Becauase his white blood count was low, we had to go over his diet. I washed all raw fruit and veggies with a vinger-water wash. This removes all bugs and other yucky stuff. Lots of salmon and beef to rebuild his red blood cells. Peppermint tea and candy for his tummy. He also had to wear a mask for that he would not catch cold.
One day we had to go to the bank and he was wearing his surgeral mask. I had to quickly explain it was for medical reasons.
Dr. Hopkins was so pleased with the care Mark was recieving, he wanted me to come and apply with the Navel Hosptial to work with his department.
It was this time Mark and I began to talk about marriage. His sister thought it was the idea of a big wedding that might be scaring him off and if I was willing to settle for a small wedding, Mark would be ok. That was fine with me.
Well, that wasn't it. Mark said if we were going to get married, we were going to have a celebration.
OMG; GroomZilla!
No, it wasn't the size. Mark just had cold feet.
I began to pray: G-d this isn't right! This isn't fair! Mark loves me and I love Mark! But I can't stand anymore of this! Either he marrys me or I am out of here! I know he is scared, but as G-d's
I felt G-d speak to my heart: that Mark and I would indeed be married; H was working on Mark. Just Trust Him.
I chose to trust Him.

The Next Day

Mummie had told me the evening before, that she didn't wish to go Mark's Parents for Christmas Dinner.
But the next day, she changed her mind, so Mark and I to drive from Norfolk to Virginia Beach (a 45 minute drive) and pick her up before we went to his parents, who live in Porthmouth.
Again, everyone waited for Mark to say something about the nature of our relationship.
He didn't.
At this point we were fighting more.
I was feeling used; all I was is his nurse and once he was finish with treatment, bye-bye Laini.
But Mark had a fight on his hands. Not just the cancer, but the army itself to get his benefits. Mark had to prove that he became sick while in Iraq. This way, he could get his health benefits and his salary. Mark had made it clear he wanted to make sure he would be able to take care of me. At the moment, he didn't have a income and didn't think it fair to ask me to marry him and have nothing to offer me.
Now I can look back and understand and appreciate his feelings.
Later in the evening, Mark told me he would be leaving to spend a few days with his family at his older sister's. I could only hope that he would use that time to not only rest, but to really consider what and who wanted in his life.
I showed his mum how to give Mark his injections.

A few days later, Mark called unexpectly to let me know he was back in town. I was surprised: expected him to be gone at least a week.
Mark told me he had to give himself the injections and was very happy to have me do them from now on.
As Mark took off his cap, some of his hair came falling down like autumn leaves down. I was looking up at patches of hair.
The affects of Chemo. He told me he awoke to find hair on his pillow.
I couldn't hold back the tears. This was MY moment of truth; the man I loved has Cancer and I could lose him.
Mark took me in his arms and allowed me cry.
He said it's ok. He had cried too.
Later, we made plans to have a hair shaving party later in the week. It was a reminder to Mark that he still had control of this disease and he must not allow it to run his life.

That Evening

Hair freshly washed and braided, showered and dressed in the lovely red dress my mum brought me years ago, I stepped out into the living room, surrrounded by Mark's family.
It was clear that my mum was not comfort with Mark's family. This is not a quiet brunch of folks and this is not something we are use to. I come from a small family and not givven to being loud. I was thankful Mark's mum was willing to speak to mummie
The tension was clearly in the air. This was more than Mark and Laini wishing for the families to meet. There was a feel of "is there an annoucement coming?"
And the only one unaware of the tension was Mark.
So, for the first time, we shared Shabbath with our family.

First, Mark shared the evening blessing.

Then, I explained what I was about to do, then lit the candles and said the blessings for the lights and a special blessing since this was a special time ( Mark said the blessing over the Challah (which everyone loved) and then supper.
Mummie asked if I made collard greens. Well, Mark's dad sat straight, "collards?"
It seem that my mum isn't the only one who loves collards.
It was a nice evening, and no there was no annoucement of an engagment.
Mark went to lay down, leaving me to entian for the rest of the evening. My buddie David got Mummie home and it was clear she was not impress with Mark's family. This, I did not expect.
Later, after everyone went home and Mark got up to help me clean up, he thanked me for all that I done.
Frankly, I too was hoping for more.